Expanding Universe: A Tale of Tampa

Friday, July 1 2011
Now look... I'm not usually one to judge something based entirely on one experience, but with that said, I'm pretty sure Tampa is a shithole. Now if you're from Tampa or you like Tampa or you have family from Tampa, please don't be offended. I'm sure there are good people and good places in Tampa, just like with any place in the world. But the Tampa we saw yesterday was just a rundown desperate shithole with shitty people and shitty places. But maybe I'm getting ahead of myself. Let's start from the beginning.

We pulled into our hotel in St. Petersburg around 4pm (in the rain, as if that's a surprise anymore) and lazed around in the hotel before heading to the club. I went out to the van to make a phone call and was treated to a show by what was very obviously a cracked out dude and what was very obviously his young blond "escort" for the afternoon. The dude was going nuts about something, and the chick was trying desperately to get him back into the hotel (and into his wallet) but I'll be damned if he didn't escape to the outside world at least 3 or 4 times while I was out there. 

But look, man, I'm not going to judge a whole city because it has some rundown areas. Every city has that. Dallas sure as shit has that. The real reason we're down on Tampa is because of our experience at the shithole capitol of Tampa: the Pegasus Lounge.

If you see this sign, just keep on driving.

We found this club in the center of a rundown, mostly out of business, shopping center on the asshole end of Busch Gardens. We walk into the club and get hassled by the doorman because we have 7 in our group and he doesn't believe that we're all vital to the show. Our merch/goo monster person is under 21 and he tried to fucking charge for her to get in, but ultimately he didn't (remember that, it'll come into play later). 

The next experience at this lovely establishment was me getting hassled by the toothless redneck fuckers who frequent this shit heap because I was wearing a Germany soccer shirt. Was it the Germany part that offended them? The soccer part? The general un-Americanism so close to the Fourth of Joo-Lie? Who knows. But I had to sit there and listen to this asshole try to make some unformed point about the military and Germany and how he died 15 years ago and each day's a gift, and all the while his fat fuck counterpart sat at the bar and shouted random bullshit at us every time we passed his dumb chunky ass at the bar.

Once the soundman showed up (after all the bands were there and the first band had already set up unstage), we found out that we were just unloading onto the sidewalk until the other band was finished. I'm sure this isn't an issue for most bands, but if you've seen what we bring on the road with us, you can imagine that this was a bit inconvenient.

Welcome to the green room. Tampa style.

I will say this: the show itself was not bad. The first band, Broken End Stereo from Tucson, were cool guys and very interesting to talk to. The dudes are currently 2 months into a 14 month stretch on the road, and they've got the road warrior thing down solid. During their set, Mr. Fatfuck at the bar decided to heckle them, and he got slapped down quickly by the singer who informed him that his own dick was bigger than Fatmaster's entire forearm. 

Our set went over well, and the crowd (aka the other bands) seemed to enjoy it, with the requisite sea of cell phone cameras popping up once the Robot made his appearance. All of the band members were very cool and very nice, so they made up the only enjoyable portion of our stay in Tampa.

The real fuck-all of the night came when I sent Matt in to ask the owner, supposed music lover Julie Bible, about payout. Not to ask for money, mind you. Not to collect money. Simply to ask about the payout process and find out what the door split was going to be. Her first reaction was to shake her head and laugh and sputter out, "Well I don't thank we got a thang for ya'," before having the doorman slap down the door sheet on the bar, along with 5 one dollar bills. "Five dollars..." he sneered. (Remember the cover that we didn't pay for our 7th person? That's where the $5 came from. Suckas!)

Julie went on to say, "This was the worst show I have ever seen here. The worst I have ever seen. No one came, no one drank, none of the bands had any draw." Matt responded with, "Well, we are on tour, so what do you expect?" She want on to deride me personally, saying, "Yer manager or whoever I talked to had a whole lotta big game to talk, sayin' y'all'd bring out all these people." She topped it all off by asking where our next stop was and giving us a condescending "Well maybe you'll have better luck there" before waddling off with her mullet flapping in the breeze. 

Look, let me make a few things clear about this show. 

1. I contacted Julie to book a show and was 100% upfront about this being our first tour and our first show in Tampa. I said I would promote (which I did), but that I couldn't promise a big crowd from us. I didn't even ask for a guarantee because I knew it would have been unwarranted. 

2. Julie (who booked this "worst show ever," not me) decided to build a bill where 3 of the 5 bands booked were from out of town. Dallas, Tucson, and Orlando. Seriously... what the fuck do you expect in that situation?

3. The Pegasus Lounge is such a shithole that one of the bands that was supposed to play showed up, walked in, said "fuck this shit," and bailed. Seriously. They walked in the door and decided to bail on the show. They were wiser men than we...

Julie Bible and the Pegasus Lounge are exactly what is wrong with independent music and the independent club circuit. Give nothing, expect everything. These clubs book bands and just expect the show to draw and be amazing with no effort on their part. No promotion, no enthusiasm, no fucking interest in even watching the bands they book. All this from a club owned by someone who "loves live music and wanted to establish a place where local and touring acts could come and play and have a good time" (a direct quote from the Pegasus website... not quite living up to those standards, it would seem).

We played a lot of shows in a lot of new places during this tour, and every single one of them was a learning experience. But what we learned most of the time is that most bookers and club owners typically mean well and want to have a good show for the benefit of the club and the musicians. The club is their business, and we understand that, and we want to help. But some clubs find that balance between supporting a business and supporting the art of music, and those are the real heroes of independent art and the future of the music industry.

Clubs like the Pegasus Lounge and owners like Julie Bible don't give a shit about music or art or furthering the tradition of musical performance. They just want some bodies and amps to come fill their stage to bring some drinking mouths through the door. That's it. And I understand that clubs like that are the norm, and clubs like 2720 Cherokee in St. Louis, who care about music and care for their musicians, are the exception. But that doesn't mean I can't be pissed off about it. Goddamn it.

Gainesville tonight. C'mon Backstage Lounge, redeem Florida in our hearts!